Hmm is it The truth.... Yikes?

Ya know, I have been thinking recently... And I have never really thought of myself as uptight, hard to please, obsessive, type A personality, bossy, controlling, or crazy. BUT in reality, i think i am actually all of those. I don't know if it has changed more sense i have gotten older, or if i am just more aware of it now, but I am not as easy going as I thought i was. I don't do spontaneous very well. I need structure, plans, and organization. Maybe that is the teacher in me, or maybe I am just naturally obsessive. But i want things my way. And maybe i need Something to knock me off my high horse and humble me a little bit. I am not better than anyone, smarter than anyone, better at communicating and life and making choices. I have as many faults as the next person. And don't get me wrong i don't think i am arrogant, cocky, or confident in my excellence. But i do know that i have accomplished a lot of things in life. But i have a hard time throwing everything in the air and going on a last minute trip. Or going somewhere cold when all i packed was summer stuff. Or communicating the way someone else wants me to. I get stuck in the process of if i get an idea i follow it. I have to like prep myself to take a different course if things change. Ha i really have gone crazy i guess! Maybe one day i won't get mad and frustrated and have a panic attack when things don't go my way. Usually i am pretty good at keeping all that stuff to myself. And i keep my crazy feelings inside as I smile and try to go with the flow. But in reality, Yikes i like things they way i like them!!!

*** And this concludes my confession for the day! ***

Why is life so crazy?!

Ok so First of all, WARNING this is going to be a major vent session, since i think it is safe to say, Not too many people are reading this anyway, and i am not sure who to talk to... SO i get to write about it instead.

Ever feel like the whole world is right in front of you and all you want is the choice you left behind?

I swear you finally get life figured out even a little bit and POOF it all rains again. I felt like i was really getting back on my game. Happy, for the most part. Content with life, accomplishing goals. And all of a sudden the entire world is glistening in the path ahead and then suddenly somewhere deep inside you stop to think... "Wait a second I want to be back where i was a few months ago."

I miss My relationship with Spencer. That is no lie. And it is no surprise to those of you that know me. He was in fact a huge part of my life. It has been hard to get past the life i had with him. I finally got to the point where I could break away from him, and move on. It was not easy, by any means, but i knew i had to do it. Then i was ok. I knew i was moving to the right path. And making goals again in life. And then of course, Now i am getting hit yet again with pain. Just when you think you have made it through the darkness and mess of a relationship gone wrong, it hits you again! You start to miss them, and wonder what you could have done differently to make it all work. It is a back and forth up and down emotional roller coaster!!

Not to mention i am kinda freaked out about starting a new grade this year. It is like being a first year teacher all over again! I have had to recreate the way i teach! It has been very stressful and overwhelming! And i am 2 weeks away from starting school and already working my butt off everyday to get ready! And stressing the first day of school! I have been so nervous and stressed it has literally made me sick! So apart from having a constant headache, and wanting to throw up =) Life is good.

3 Cheers for being 25, not married, no children, and doubting your Career path!